Overwhelmed.

I've been struggling a lot lately.

I'm overwhelmed with work: I promised myself at the start of this year that I was going to devote myself to being a better teacher this year.  It's working, but it's taking a toll on me.  I have so much less time than I ever did before.

At home, I'm tired. All the time.  No discrimination.  I got over 10 hours of sleep last Saturday night, woke up at 9 on Sunday having gone to bed around 10pm the night before, and still felt exhausted.  After a point, that's no longer just sleep-deprivation.

I'm losing a sense of relaxation from my hobbies.  I love to read, I play video games, I write -- but I'm finding that, when I engage in those activities, I'm feeling like I'm just wasting my time.  My brain pesters this like a canker sore: why aren't I using my time to do something more productive, using the time to accomplish more?

And when I face that idea head on, that maybe I should be grading or planning or reading whatever book about teaching I'm supposed to be reading, the thought makes me want to burst into tears.

I'm in a counseling program as a student, and my research thus far has focused on depression and suicidal tendencies in students.  I'm not blind; I see in myself some potential symptoms of depression.  That scares me. I don't want to be written into that box -- I've watched students deal with it and see the horrific results when that battle is lost.  I've read the stories, talked to the parents, worked to help students who sink into that dark hole, and I don't want that for myself.

What I want doesn't seem to matter though. This is where I am, and that's what I have to deal with.

But it's hard for me to know where to start.

There are plenty of fundamental things about being a teacher that most programs don't tell you.  I won't waste your time walking through all of those understandings, but one of the most relevant is this: Teaching is a thankless job.

Now: I'm not complaining about this.  It's a fact about my profession, and I know that.  But that doesn't change that it's a little depressing.  I don't experience a sense of accomplishment on a daily basis, nor do I gain a sense of closure through teaching.  Even when I might -- say, when students finish a paper -- the next stage is always right around the corner. As soon as students finish writing, I stop teaching that paper, sure, but I immediately start grading it.  That looming task, which consumes hundreds of hours per semester, pretty much eliminates any possibility for feeling awesome that we finished writing something.

The learning process is never over, and being over is necessary for closure.

Accomplishments are more common, but they are so often small that, when my day is broken up into 49 minute segments, I can easily overlook them.  It's easy to forget that the kid who'd been struggling in 1st hour got her essay finished when a student in 5th hour can't seem to get his started after weeks of work time.  Accomplishments dance off into the wind throughout the day, leaving me feeling like nothing much got done.  I understand, logically, that this isn't true, but the feeling that I'm not making a difference doesn't come from a place of logic.

I know that, logically, my work matters.  Students learn to write in my classroom.  They produce solid work.  They leave better prepared for college than if they'd never been in my room.  I know all that.

But knowing it and feeling it aren't the same, and this year, I haven't been feeling it.
I don't feel like I'm doing much that's worth my time; I don't feel like we're accomplishing anything major in my room.  I know that's not true, but it doesn't change the sense of defeat, of failure, that is pervading the off hours of my life.

The psychology of emotional wellness tells us that people need recognition.  Last week I attended a Professional Development session about mental health that suggested that recognition is rated are more desired, more valued, than even a raise.

I have to say I agree: I would much rather have someone come in and tell me that today was great, that a lesson I was worried about was successful, that my students are LEARNING, than have someone write me a check.  A check is great, but it won't make me feel better next week when something goes badly and I'm feeling like I'm wasting my time again.

I wonder if this is all part of the 4th year, of the transition from the survival stage of teaching to the true master stage.  I don't remember feeling like this when I was too busy to think about it; I'm thinking about it now, when I've settled into a rough idea of what I'm teaching on any given day and my focus is more on tweaking things to make them better, not building them from scratch.

The 4th year is a different animal, and clearly I haven't tamed it yet.

(NOTE: I am sorry for the delay.  I've been writing these Monday evenings before class, and this week I did not get to it.  Then, between meetings and grading, I haven't had time to proofread and submit.  I appreciate the patience though.)