October is the Worst Month of the Year

My year has not eased up.

I'm not expecting it to, frankly.  It's late-October by now, halfway through first semester.  The tone of the year is pretty set.

But I remain worried about it.

I started this blog by saying that I like my job, and that wasn't a lie.  I do like my job; I just don't like it this year.  And that's new for me -- I'm not used to being in a position that I don't enjoy, I'm not used to feeling so overwhelmed that I have trouble functioning, and I'm not used to walking into my classroom feeling like an outsider.

I figured out a big part of the reason why a few days ago.  There are a few things creating the 'perfect storm' of stress:  my class sizes are HUGE (30 kids in every hour), my kids are writing more than ever which means I have more to grade, and I've dedicated my 4th year to actively being a better teacher than my previous years.  Those are all big things in and of themselves, but they are the reason why this year is so miserable.

That reason, and I feel incredibly guilty even thinking it, let along putting it out there, is this: This year, for the first time, I don't like my students.

That's an awful thing for a teacher to say, and trust me, I'm struggling with it.

Don't get me wrong: I understand, logically, that I don't have to like my students to teach them.  I understand that they don't have to like me to learn from me.  That's all well and good, but none of it deals with the reality of being in the classroom, where it's been proven that positive relationships create better learning environments all around.

I want to like my students -- I did not come into this year determined to dislike my students, nor have I ever.  I actually like the first days of school: I like the opportunity to meet new students, and I like getting to know them.  In that way, this year has been a little heartbreaking because as I'm getting to know my students, I'm finding that this semester, I generally don't like them.

I really, really want to, but I don't.  I feel so guilty over this, and I spend a lot of time every day trying to overcome this struggle.  I'm pretty good about not acting on it -- if you walked into my classroom, you'd never know.  I laugh with my students just as often as I ever have; I tell jokes, I ask about their lives and interests, I engage them in conversations.  The struggle is entirely internal because I don't want it to affect their learning.

But that internal struggle is easily the biggest part of why my 2015-2016 school year has gone to shit so quickly, and by late-October I'm feeling like giving up.

Snapshots

I'm standing at the door of my classroom, dress and heels impeccable, waiting to meet my students' parents.

They flutter in and out.  Most conversations are positive -- students are doing well, few concerns, good grades.  

Some parents take longer.  

"Can I bring my son in every single morning before school?"  

"What else can she be doing to bring her grade up?" 

Other parents are angry.  

"Why does my child have a bad grade?"  

"What aren't you doing so my child is failing?"   

Still others come by just to give me a hug or say thank you.  

"My daughter loved you last year!"  

"You made my son love Language Arts, thank you!" 

There is always something to talk about at parent-teacher conferences.  

Pep Assemblies, Powderpuff, and Parades

So.  It's fall.  

With fall comes a lot of fun things: colorful leaves, cozy boots, snuggly leggings, long sleeves, hats and scarves, new release video games, awesome movies, Halloween and Thanksgiving, and tons more.  

However, fall in high school also comes with a lot of bullshit, and that was driven home this past week. 

Homecoming at Herbert High.  What fun! *heavy sarcasm* 

Homecoming Week always starts with a positive, upbeat-sounding email from my building principal.  "Hello, and welcome to Homecoming 2015!" it reads.  "Please don't give any tests or assignments this week!"  

This may not be what the email actually says, but it is clearly the subtext.  We are encouraged to lower our kids' workloads this week so they can "participate in HC activities," which judging from the conversations I overhear from my students involve extensive amounts of TPing, staying out really late, and drinking heavily.  

Awesome.  

The other fun thing about Homecoming week is that this year, I'm the junior class adviser.

Last year, as the sophomore class adviser, I didn't do a lot during Homecoming.  One day, I was there late for Hall Decs (where the students decorate their lockers according to an assigned theme).  That was about it.  

Not this year.  This year, I did Hall Decs, coached Powderpuff football, organized student workers and volunteers, walked in a parade, and coordinated a minutia of little things around all that. Oh, and taught full time.  Can't forget that little detail.  

Hall Decs weren't that bad -- my principal and I kick our kids out at 8:00pm, whether they are finished decorating or not, so they keep themselves motivated.  

Powderpuff is a different story.  

First: Powderpuff Football is when the girls of a school play flag football.  It's well-organized chaos -- the girls order shirts, decorate their lockers, clothes, and more, they run the halls the morning off, and they face off at the game with the best of the NFL.  

Second: Powderpuff at Herbert is a BIG deal.  I teach mostly seniors, but I'm the junior class adviser, so I was wearing a hot-pink juniors T-shirt in support -- I spent the whole day defending myself against surprisingly angry teenage girls who saw my shirt as a betrayal. (Seriously.) 

When I got the gym that evening to help organize everything, I was given a job.  My principal had set up their teams, another teacher gave them some actual coaching (considering my experience with that is absolutely zero), and I... I got to walk around and smell the girls for alcohol.  

Yes, you read that right.  

My principal made a speech to the girls asking them to leave if they had been drinking, citing LHS policy that this was an alcohol-free event.  No one (that I noticed, at least) left.  

So I got to walk around and smell them.  

With that finished, we herded them outside to the field.  

And stood around for the next 2 hours, watching girls play football (which, sadly, does nothing to break out of the stereotypes of girls playing football.  I wish it did, I really do.) 

The next day was the all-important parade and football game.  That's all well and good, but to start us off, let's talk about the end of the school day:  The Pep Assembly.  

The last 50 minutes of the Friday of Homecoming Week is the Pep Assembly.  The seniors tend to skip this; they've been through enough of them to find them boring.  Everyone else attends to celebrate and get pumped up for fall sports and events.  

I actually like Pep Assemblies -- I get to see so much more of what my kids do!  They dance, they play sports, they are musicians, they're on Homecoming Court, they MC, etc.  I think it's really cool; my students generally do not unless they are participating.  So they fake doctors' appointments and ditch.  

So, fun or not, by then it was Friday afternoon and I was already exhausted.  

And then I had to walk in a parade.  

Like the Pep Assembly, I actually kind of enjoy the parade.  The route is nice, and this year the weather was good, so the walk was cool and peaceful.  I like the kids I work with in advisory, so talking to them as we 'marched' was rather fun too.  They throw candy to neighborhood kids as we go, like an early Halloween celebration.  

I did run into one of my former students along the parade route, which was really fun.  She shrieked when she saw me and swamped me in a hug.  

There are always bright spots being a teacher.  

By the time the parade ended, I'd been at Herbert for close to 12 hours for the third time that week.  

I didn't stay for the Homecoming football game.  I went home, and (if I'm being honest), I lay on the couch for the rest of the night.  

Overall, I almost enjoy Homecoming Week.  On an individual level, I like most of the events -- decorating the halls with paper seems wasteful and smelling kids for alcohol is frankly disgusting, but otherwise, hanging out with my students is never that bad.  They're funny and smart (for the most part), and those kids that tend to be part of advisory are those that get along well with adults.  

The sheer time commitment is what makes Homecoming Week miserable.  I'm at Herbert High for hours longer than I normally would be, and I'm still teaching full time.  My students know that that email goes out to teachers and they take advantage of it; try to schedule a test and they'll throw a hissy fit, suggest that they actually *work* during class time and they'll whine, "But it's Homecoming!" 

It's a trying experience, for sure.  

And I'm generally glad to be part of it, but if you're reading this full blog, then you can understand why, perhaps, Homecoming 2015 was not my favorite Herbert High event ever.  

PS: I know I missed a week, and I'm sorry about that.  You can tell from what I've chronicled here that it was quite the week and I'm still getting caught up.