October is the Worst Month of the Year

My year has not eased up.

I'm not expecting it to, frankly.  It's late-October by now, halfway through first semester.  The tone of the year is pretty set.

But I remain worried about it.

I started this blog by saying that I like my job, and that wasn't a lie.  I do like my job; I just don't like it this year.  And that's new for me -- I'm not used to being in a position that I don't enjoy, I'm not used to feeling so overwhelmed that I have trouble functioning, and I'm not used to walking into my classroom feeling like an outsider.

I figured out a big part of the reason why a few days ago.  There are a few things creating the 'perfect storm' of stress:  my class sizes are HUGE (30 kids in every hour), my kids are writing more than ever which means I have more to grade, and I've dedicated my 4th year to actively being a better teacher than my previous years.  Those are all big things in and of themselves, but they are the reason why this year is so miserable.

That reason, and I feel incredibly guilty even thinking it, let along putting it out there, is this: This year, for the first time, I don't like my students.

That's an awful thing for a teacher to say, and trust me, I'm struggling with it.

Don't get me wrong: I understand, logically, that I don't have to like my students to teach them.  I understand that they don't have to like me to learn from me.  That's all well and good, but none of it deals with the reality of being in the classroom, where it's been proven that positive relationships create better learning environments all around.

I want to like my students -- I did not come into this year determined to dislike my students, nor have I ever.  I actually like the first days of school: I like the opportunity to meet new students, and I like getting to know them.  In that way, this year has been a little heartbreaking because as I'm getting to know my students, I'm finding that this semester, I generally don't like them.

I really, really want to, but I don't.  I feel so guilty over this, and I spend a lot of time every day trying to overcome this struggle.  I'm pretty good about not acting on it -- if you walked into my classroom, you'd never know.  I laugh with my students just as often as I ever have; I tell jokes, I ask about their lives and interests, I engage them in conversations.  The struggle is entirely internal because I don't want it to affect their learning.

But that internal struggle is easily the biggest part of why my 2015-2016 school year has gone to shit so quickly, and by late-October I'm feeling like giving up.