In keeping with the theme of the week...

I wanted to focus on the things I am thankful for about my job.  It's been a stressful semester, and the oncoming temptation of Winter Break never makes that stress any easier.  So, in order to help me keep my mind focused on the good and not the stress, here's my list:

I am grateful...

1. to have the education I do (Master's +) that enables me to do my job well and teach my students effectively
2. to work in a school district that I genuinely like and can generally support
3. that I have colleagues that make me feel supported and part of a team
1. in going along with this, I am grateful I have colleagues that have become true friends, as that makes my daily life as a teacher so much better
4. that my classroom and school, and district, all have resources available that so many of my fellow teachers around the country do not, like SmartBoards and individual computers for student use 
1. that my school and district place a high priority on continued teacher development so I can continue to grow and learn as a teacher 
5. when students come back to visit me, such when they are home from college for Thanksgiving
6. to have a husband who is supportive of my profession, including all the time I take at home to grade and plan 

There are always more things to be grateful for, but these are some of the biggest.  

Looking Up

I've spent the last two weeks trying to get control of everything from grading to my own mental health.

I've been somewhat successful:  I'm still about 250 essays in the hole, but I'm no longer grading work from early October.  Late October, definitely, but late October wasn't THAT long ago (or so I'm telling myself).  I'm still planning for the rest of the semester, but it's getting easier as Thanksgiving break approaches.  I've rescrambled my essay schedule for the writing class I teach so I can lower my own stress and be a better teacher.

In my classroom, at least, things are looking up.

I'm making progress on my own mental health as well.  I've started a counseling program with the specific goal of addressing my anxiety and helping me manage my time better.  It wasn't truly necessary until about two weeks ago, when I realized I was more willing to stay in the house than leave it, and it wasn't just social awkwardness motivating that choice.  And then last week, one of my teacher friends asked if I'd noticed anything about the mental health of a friend of ours, and I realized that I had entirely hidden my own struggles from my friends.

That's not healthy either.

It's tough to think about anxiety as a teacher, especially when I see so many of my students dealing with it.  I know that my coping skills are so much further developed than theirs! So it's hard to admit that I'm struggling too.  But I've crossed that line, and while I haven't done much yet, I'm feeling positive about it.

It's going to take time for me to get better.  I still have a long way to go to be caught up with my grading -- an article I read recently studied overtime work in the United States and found that teachers, on average, work more overtime hours than any other profession.  This surprised exactly zero teachers I imagine, but that sense of camaraderie does help me feel better about the long hours ahead of me to get caught up.

And it's going to take time for me to recover my mental health.  There's a stigma associated with mental health issues, and despite my education in the counseling field, I'm not immune to it.  I don't like admitting that I need help; I was hesitant to make the appointment, and I still haven't told anyone other than my husband that I'm going to talk with someone.  But as my intake counselor pointed out, being able to say "hey, I can't do this myself," is a strength -- I'm willing to accept help, which is a huge moment of growth for someone as independently-minded as me.

It's going to take time, but I'm going to be okay.

A Moment of Inspiration

I was scrolling through Facebook over the weekend, desperate to avoid anything even vaguely school-related.  It was self-care, I told myself -- my distracting myself for hours on end was serving to improve my mental health.

It was bullshit, and I knew it.  Every moment I put off my grading, my work, I built up my anxiety, gave myself more to do the next time I actually sat down to work.

It was bullshit, and apparently the universe knew it too, because this was the quote that I found floating around Facebook this weekend:

I froze.

I needed a lot of people when I was younger.  I needed a more understanding mom.  I needed a braver, more vocal dad.  I needed an older brother who wasn't stoned all the time.  I needed a boyfriend who wasn't an asshole.  I needed a counselor who knew what they were doing.  I needed a religion teacher who wasn't a nun. I needed a history teacher who was open to differing ideas.  I needed a school that was more than just its Catholic roots.

I needed teachers who wanted to understand my life.

I needed someone to talk to, and I needed someone who wouldn't judge.

And now, in this semester from hell, I've neglected to be so many of those things for my students.

I can't be a mom or a dad, and I'm (thankfully) not a nun, nor am I yet (unfortunately) a counselor.  But I can be understanding, and vocal, and open to new ideas, and nonjudgmental, and I can be someone to talk to, and someone to listen.

I've forgotten all this in light of everything else.  Around the grading, the teaching, the daily grind of public speaking and time management and stress, I'm a teacher -- I am one of the people who knows my students the best, because I see them the most.  I see what they're thinking about through their writing, and I hear about their lives by walking around my room.

Teaching isn't just lesson plans and grading; teaching is preparing students for the future, and that includes giving them the chance to make mistakes and talk about complicated topics and grow and feel safe.

I know, to paraphrase Neil DeGrasse Tyson, that the universe doesn't care about me, that it's not following me around trying to point me in the right direction.  Nor do I subscribe to the belief that everything happens for a reason and I was meant to see this quote.

Through a happy coincidence, my stoner cousin from California posted something on Facebook, and I just happened to click the link to my one social media account in time to see it.

Through happier coincidence, I found something I desperately needed to remember.

I also ran across this:

It is so easy to see my struggles this semester as a failure.  It's so easy to see this moment of epiphany, where I realized what I've neglected for my students, as a failure.

But down that path lies madness.

I can't change that this semester has sucked, and I can't change that I let myself descend into a trap of self-pity and depression over what I can't or haven't accomplished.

But I can reframe this semester, and I choose to reframe it like this:  I know what doesn't work.  My 4th year might not be the best one, but it's not the one that will make me leave the profession either.  Instead, my 4th year is about learning what doesn't work, and learning how to avoid that to make my job, my life, better.

I have seven weeks left to change my semester, and I'm going to do it, if only I stop destroying myself over my failures.

I can be the person, the teacher, I needed when I was younger, and I will be.