Looking Up

I've spent the last two weeks trying to get control of everything from grading to my own mental health.

I've been somewhat successful:  I'm still about 250 essays in the hole, but I'm no longer grading work from early October.  Late October, definitely, but late October wasn't THAT long ago (or so I'm telling myself).  I'm still planning for the rest of the semester, but it's getting easier as Thanksgiving break approaches.  I've rescrambled my essay schedule for the writing class I teach so I can lower my own stress and be a better teacher.

In my classroom, at least, things are looking up.

I'm making progress on my own mental health as well.  I've started a counseling program with the specific goal of addressing my anxiety and helping me manage my time better.  It wasn't truly necessary until about two weeks ago, when I realized I was more willing to stay in the house than leave it, and it wasn't just social awkwardness motivating that choice.  And then last week, one of my teacher friends asked if I'd noticed anything about the mental health of a friend of ours, and I realized that I had entirely hidden my own struggles from my friends.

That's not healthy either.

It's tough to think about anxiety as a teacher, especially when I see so many of my students dealing with it.  I know that my coping skills are so much further developed than theirs! So it's hard to admit that I'm struggling too.  But I've crossed that line, and while I haven't done much yet, I'm feeling positive about it.

It's going to take time for me to get better.  I still have a long way to go to be caught up with my grading -- an article I read recently studied overtime work in the United States and found that teachers, on average, work more overtime hours than any other profession.  This surprised exactly zero teachers I imagine, but that sense of camaraderie does help me feel better about the long hours ahead of me to get caught up.

And it's going to take time for me to recover my mental health.  There's a stigma associated with mental health issues, and despite my education in the counseling field, I'm not immune to it.  I don't like admitting that I need help; I was hesitant to make the appointment, and I still haven't told anyone other than my husband that I'm going to talk with someone.  But as my intake counselor pointed out, being able to say "hey, I can't do this myself," is a strength -- I'm willing to accept help, which is a huge moment of growth for someone as independently-minded as me.

It's going to take time, but I'm going to be okay.